Protecting Your Peace

Remember that Shonda Rhimes book that came out a handful of years ago, Year of Yes ? Shonda was sharing her year-long adventure of saying ‘yes’ to every opportunity that came her way - social events, speaking engagements, and professional gigs. I thought about that book recently and wondered how many women exhausted themselves because they took up this idea to say ‘yes’ to all-of-the-things. I know I may be oversimplifying here, but I just know so many women who are over-tired because they are doing everything that comes their way. Some of the responsibilities are non-negotiable, parenting for example, but for other things, I wondered: Are we as intentional as we can be about the things we say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to? 

This reflection came after talking with a coach partner who was feeling overwhelmed by all of the things on their plate. And I asked them, Are all of these things on your plate things you have chosen to take on? Or are these responsibilities that just somehow land on you because of others' expectations of what you can or should hold? And then we explored what they would need to set some boundaries around time and capacity. 

One of the things I know to be true is when we move too fast in life we often don’t consider that ‘no’ is an option. Sometimes the ‘yes’ is just easy because it does not challenge assumptions around what is expected of us as human beings. The ‘yes’ goes parallel with grind culture - it’s status quo behavior to just keep taking on more and more until something happens that forces you to pause and assess all of the labor - emotional and professional - we pile on to unsustainable degrees. 

But what if the PAUSE was more intentional? What if when we started to feel in our gut this feeling of overwhelm or even in the moment of feeling overwhelmed, we took an intentional pause to reflect on our response or reaction? What if we knew in advance the boundaries we wanted to hold and our criteria for what we would say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to? 

As a self-identified introvert. I’m extremely talented at saying ‘no’ to social events. This comes easy to me because I know that one of the ways that I take care of myself and protect my peace is by having time alone by myself. I am my own best company. So I am very judicious about saying ‘yes’ to social events only if it means there is time afterward for me to be in my little cocoon and recharge. 

Now saying ‘no’ professionally is a place where I’m still growing and learning. Part of the reason is that I’m an entrepreneur and when you’re self-employed and responsible for generating your income it’s a little harder to say ‘no’ to things that mean more resources for you and your family. However, I have gotten clearer in the last few years on what that professional ‘no’ criteria is. For example, I say no to any professional opportunity that…

1. Is not aligned with my values

2. Doesn’t pay me what I’m worth in terms of my talents and expertise

3. Feels performative - in other words the potential client or partner and I don’t have a shared definition of what success looks like

4. Exposes me to energy vampires [people or places that are going to deplete me]

I have built in the intentional PAUSE for work life. Whenever I’m considering a new opportunity I politely ask for at least an evening to consider it and respond the following day. This allows me to assess my criteria and if the project is a fit. 

This building in pauses for reflection is also a great practice for managing conflict or intense conversations. In the heat of the moment, you can say to a partner, colleague, or client - “Can I ask that we take a pause here? I’d like to have a little space before I respond or react.” I know this will feel awkward at the moment, but this pause prevents all kinds of harm, misunderstanding, and future conflict. Creating this spaciousness, especially in intense dialogue means instead of reacting from an emotional place you can respond with intention. And that intention is in service to protecting not only your peace but the peace of others you’re in a relationship with. 

What do you think about creating criteria for ‘yes’ and ‘no’? How do you see using the PAUSE for protecting your peace? 

Maya

Seeking Solutions When Everything Seems Like Conflict

I know we are all swimming in a multitude of crises and conflicts happening in the world. And it can be easy to fall into a place of hopelessness and despair. We flail about for answers to problems that feel simultaneously complex and simple, leaving us feeling an intense disequilibrium. That discomfort from external forces easily seeps into our personal and professional lives and suddenly everything feels in conflict. Our ability to critique becomes stronger while our sight of solutions becomes a dense fog. Inside our institutions, we are now sitting in a place of deep fear, a stuckness, and the fears roll out a little like this…

• What if I propose a solution and everyone hates it? 

• If I offer a solution then suddenly that’s more work on my plate.

• There are so many challenges along the way, I’m afraid I’ll exhaust myself trying to get to the solution place.  

• Why should I offer solutions, if those in power will ultimately make the decision?

• If we distract with the critique then no one will see we don’t have the answers

So how do we shift our people from the stuckness of being highly critical to being solutions-orientated? How do we move to acknowledge that things are hard and complex and still be in a liberatory place of possibilities? Here are some offerings of practices. And I invite you to suggest what you’ve tried in the comments.  

Permission to Fail - When we’re trying something for the first time, it feels experimental, and the potential risk for failure can be high. But what if we acknowledged the potential for failure upfront and signaled to our people that failure is not only okay but welcomed? The agreement is if you try a thing and it does fail you are committing to taking the time to learn from what didn’t work and apply it to the next solution. Positional leaders in the organization can model the ‘permission to fail’ by being transparent about their own mistakes and lifting their learnings for all to see. 

Solutions are Collective Effort - Just because you proposed a thing doesn’t mean you have to hold it alone. Whatever the group in which solutions get presented is, make sure folks know that if solutions get greenlit then those solutions are held by a collective - it may be a small group of 2-3 or it might be a whole team, but no one is going solo in this new venture. 

Identify the Barriers. Then Move. - Because we are so good at seeing the roadblocks in the way of our solution, we should leverage that muscle and name all of the potential barriers upfront. Once we have a list of barriers, decide how big a lift they are. Is it something that can be easily addressed, a technical fix? Or is it something that might need more resources and time to address, an adaptive challenge? Maybe you need more information. You may be missing a set of skills. Maybe you need a system or technology you don’t currently have. Maybe you need more hands and minds. Whatever the nature of the barrier, the goal is to try and identify how you can remove as many barriers as possible so that the solution can evolve and move forward. 

Engage in Generative Conversations  - Sometimes, we get stuck in analysis paralysis and then don’t have the energy for generative conversations. One way to get to the generative is to engage in activities that unlock right brain thinking. Pull out the markers, butcher paper, pipe cleaners, music, and Play-Doh and encourage your people to model out their ideas in two and three-dimensional solutions. Getting folks into a creative space can open up idea generation in a way that just talking about a thing cannot. Once you have some ideas on the table then you can open up for conversation about how to bring the ideas to life, testing the ideas as experiments, and then iterating to get to an operational solution. 

What have you tried to get your people out of the critiquing rut and working towards collective solutions? 

Leadership Denied - Why Women of Color Are Not Surviving Institutions - And What We Can Do About It

It’s been a busy few months. I celebrated turning 50 years old and I’m so excited for all the possibilities of the next half of the century of my life. But I needed to take a beat to share some observations with you. 

In the last few years I’ve been coaching, mostly women of color leaders. These are women who are stepping into new positions of leadership - often following a white leader, or seasoned leader/founder. In that three years' time, more than half of the women I’ve coached have left their leadership positions; the other half are struggling to maintain their health and well-being in very challenging circumstances. Some of these women were forced out of their organizations. Some made a deliberate choice to leave. One hundred percent of these women were not or aren't getting their needs met inside of their institutions and in their roles. While I realize that each of these women are individuals in terms of their needs, values, and situations, there are some persistent themes. I want to share those themes so that if you’re reading this and you recognize any of the patterns, you can work to address them. Otherwise, we are going to continue to see the attrition of women of color leaders from institutions and with that, the loss of the cultural wisdom, emotional intelligence, and adaptive leadership our organizations desperately need.

Tokenizing: I know that diverse representation is currently under attack by all of the systems, e.g., affirmative action. But even before the unjust decision of the SCOTUS majority, women of color were being hired as token figureheads to leadership positions. And they were charged with not only doing the full-time work of CEO, executive director, COO, or President but with their hire, it was also assumed that they would fix all of the white-dominant, patriarchal stuff happening in our organizations. So essentially here’s how it’s going - Hey, highly qualified Black woman leader, we’re going to hire you to be the CEO of this organization and do all of the things that the job requires - development, strategy, people management, vision setting, etc. And by the way, we also expect you, and you alone, to fix thirty-plus years of deep seeded inequities in the organization. As you might imagine, this is a recipe for failure. Even if most of these women are working 70-hour weeks (and many are), it is impossible that they can do the job well that they were hired for on paper and, simultaneously, fix every broken aspect of systems and culture in the organization. In some cases, these women are the only women of color or one of a few in the organization, and the bench they have to work with isn’t that diverse. So, not only are these women isolated in their leadership, they’re expected to perform miracles in an unrealistic timeline. 

Assumed Leadership Style: As I mentioned, a lot of women of color leaders are following the leadership of long-tenured male or white or a combination of both white and male leaders. And unless their predecessors were wholly enlightened self-aware individuals, their predecessor's leadership style was likely laden with patriarchal and white dominant characteristics. A style of leadership that is not only antithetical to how women of color lead, but also one that perpetuates the very systems and ways of being that most women of color are seeking to disrupt. However, the board of directors' view of leadership is tied to this status quo style we have all come to know and work under. That is a leadership style that is controlling, top-down, one-way thinking, and power over. When women of color leaders show up as relational leaders, collaborative, nurturing, and inclusive they’re often labeled as not in control, too soft, and without vision. When they show up as direct they’re told they’re combative and non-communicative. In short, there is no way for women of color to win when they’re constantly compared and measured to a way of leading that is not core to who they are or how they show up. 

Lack of Support: I have had women of color tell me that requests for support for their capacity, learning, and growth as leaders are often outright denied or not given priority. Meanwhile, they look around and see their male or white counterparts given the resources for coaching, attending conferences, training, and support staff. One woman of color, Executive Director, told me that she pays everyone on her team a full salary and benefits, except herself. One woman was required to do coaching by her board to be a ‘team player’, while in the same organization, other white women and male leaders continuously bullied peers and folks they supervised with zero accountability to that behavior. Finally, multiple women of color leaders have expressed that their decisions and strategies are continuously questioned and or undermined by white staff and board members, particularly by white women. If organizations are going to expect women of color to carry the mantle of leadership for organizations and simultaneously dismantle systems of oppression within those institutions, they should also be prepared to fully resource that leadership with a value-based salary, benefits, wellness, coaching, training, and a supportive team. 

So what do we do about this behavior? Here is my list of “Things to Do Before Your Institution Hires or Promotes a Woman of Color Into a Leadership Position”….

• Make sure the organization interrogates the job description, salary, and contract through a lens of racial and gender equity. Don’t add anything to that job description that should be held by the full staff and leadership team, e.g., diversity, equity, and inclusion work, organizational development, and culture building. Don’t conflate the job with multiple positions that your organization needs to fill - e.g., CEO/Development Director or President/Chief of Staff.
  

• Whatever compensation range you were considering, times it by at least 1.5, and make it transparent in the job posting. Don’t ask about the previous salary in the hiring process because 100% of the time, women of color applicants have historically been underpaid. 

• Ensure the benefits package also includes a professional development fund that is flexible and at the discretion of the leader to use as they see fit. Baseline that fund at a minimum to include the cost of a full year of coaching and leadership training/conference with travel expenses. 

• Make sure the person has the resources to hire their own full-time administrative support person. 

• During the hiring process, have a conversation with the woman of color about their leadership style, what they need to be successful, and what have been current and historical challenges in the organization. Hiring is a two-way process - this allows the leader candidate to gauge fit and values alignment with the organization and the hiring body to understand if they can commit to what the leader candidate needs to be successful. 

• Lastly, but extremely important, the board and hiring team need to do their own unlearning around white dominant and patriarchal leadership and own any hurt or harm it's been complicit in to ensure harmful patterns of behavior or systems are dismantled and not replicated. 

For women of color leaders, I ask you what else would you add to this list? Please email me at maya@mandalachangegroup.com  so I can share a more fully curated list with the organizations I work with. 

What Dogs Teach Us About Self

I am a mom to two human beings and a furry being, Zora. While being a parent to children is an ever-evolving mystery, caring for a dog is a much more transparent relationship. And recently on a walk with my furry friend, I realized how much dogs can teach us about our own care. I thought I’d share some reflections here…

Respect Your Boundaries

Dogs immediately sniff out bad energy whether it’s humans that they think might do them harm or harm their owners, or other not-so-friendly furry creatures. And they will immediately let you know they’re setting a boundary by barking or like my Zora, barking and then quickly removing herself from the situation. As humans, we are not as clear on our boundaries to things or people that might do us harm. We should take a lesson from dogs if it smells or sounds like trouble, articulate the boundary (use your words not your bark) or extricate yourself from the situation. I’m not going to engage in this argument, relationship, or experience for my own safety and health – physical, mental, or spiritual. 

Rest

I often joke that my dog sleeps like she has three full-time jobs and a family to raise. But dogs sleep on average 12-14 hours a day. When Zora wakes from a nap she is raring to play or go for a walk. As human beings, we don’t understand the benefits of rest and sometimes even brag about how we pulled an all-nighter or only need a few hours of sleep. But resting, whether you get a full 10 hours or take periodic naps throughout the day has so many health benefits. When we get a good night's sleep our bodies are more resistant to sickness, we maintain a healthy weight, have a reduction in stress, improve overall mood, reduce risk for chronic illness, and improve our ability to think clearly. Prioritizing rest is good for our overall well-being. Remember to turn off your screens at least an hour before you go to bed to help your body transition into rest mode. 

Ask for What You Need

When my dog wants to eat or go do her business she knows all she needs to do is whine and that’s exactly what she does. When I respond, “walkie?” or “breakfast?” she tilts her head in my direction to say, “Yes woman!” Compared to two-legged creatures, dogs are pretty clear about communicating their wants and needs. As a woman and caregiver, I am often apt not to ask for help when I need it. And I am always a little surprised that when I do ask for help others willingly, sometimes eagerly give the support. I convince myself that it is more efficient to do things myself, but in reality, all of the things start to add up and then I find myself in a place of overwhelm and exhaustion [see rest and boundaries above]. So while I’m not about that whining life, I am getting much better at asking for help knowing that if I'm taking care of I'm in a better space to also take care of others.

What’s Your Love Language?

Dogs have very specific ways they show love. Making direct eye contact. Licking you. Greeting you with hugs and a waggy tail, even if you’ve only been gone for an hour. Cuddling up close when they sleep to ensure body contact with their person. Following you around the house like a shadow (even to the bathroom). Human beings are not always so clear with their love language. We often assume that those around us should just know our love through osmosis. But we all need daily reminders that we are loved and seen by the people in our lives. For me, it's little signals. I make sure to express gratitude when my partner does even the small things, like refilling my cup of coffee. I say “I love you” when the kids say goodnight. I leave little treats that I know the special people in my life enjoy. I listen deeply when someone I care for just needs to talk it out [though admittedly I’m working on not giving unsolicited solutions and feedback]. So what are the little ways you express your love for others in your life? What’s your love language? 

Get Outside

My dog's two favorite things are taking walks/hikes outdoors and sunbathing. She loves being out in nature sniffing every single blade of grass, chasing birds/squirrels, saying hello to her dog neighbors, and lazing in the sunny spot on the deck. When she comes inside from being outside she seems so satisfied - as expressed by deep dog sighs. Being outside in nature has the same healing benefits for us humans as I imagine it has for dogs. Getting outside among trees, fresh air, and bodies of water all serves to destress, calm us, and facilitate both concentration and creativity. Add to those mental health benefits - a brisk walk once a day can literally add years to your lifespan. You have to walk the dog anyway so use that as an opportunity to reap the restorative benefits of getting outside.

Whether you are a dog parent or not, we are all caregivers to something or someone. So today, I encourage you to take a beat to reflect on what intentional practices you can incorporate for your own care.

Undoing Cultures of Busyness

Undoing Cultures of Busyness 

Even before our organizations adjusted to virtual or hybrid structures we placed a high value on busyness. We rewarded the performance of individuals who churned out outputs and activities. That tendency to be as busy as possible got even more heightened during the pandemic when our staff felt like they had to justify their out-of-sight, out-of-mind existence in a virtual work environment. In addition to work tasks, working from home may have increased our ability to fill up our already full plates because we were able to layer in household and personal chores. What we didn’t learn over the past three years of the pandemic, is that busyness is not the same as being impactful. In fact, the pace at which we became increasingly busy just contributed to an overwhelming feeling of burnout. And unfortunately, even as some companies are returning to more in-person work we are continuing in our deep commitment to valuing busyness as exemplified in back-to-back meetings and days filled with short-term, transactional tasks. Teams continue to complain of full workloads and the potential for burnout. But when asked, “What are you busy with?”, we have a hard time showing and proving what we have gained from all this churn.   

So how do we course correct from this culture of busyness to a culture of productive impact? First, we need to have intentional conversations on resetting what we value. Instead of placing a high value on activity and outputs, what if we flipped the script and started valuing deep work and outcomes? Here are some strategies to consider…

Re-haul meetings. A really good place I encourage folks to start is conducting a meeting audit. Remove non-essential recurring meetings from the calendar that are just about reporting out. A good rule of thumb is if it can be communicated in an email or on Slack, it doesn’t need to be a meeting. And instead calendar meetings that are focused on deep-dive conversations – problem-solving, design, innovation, and learning. Every meeting should begin with clarity on the purpose, process, and outcomes. What is the purpose of the meeting? What activities and processes will we engage people in during the meeting? And what do we hope to have accomplished when the meeting is complete?  

Make time for Deep Work. Require your team to block out time on their calendars for “deep work”  - deep work is work that requires cognitive thinking - this can include things like design work, collaborative work, problem solving, debriefing, and learning conversations. For example, my Friday afternoons are blocked time on my calendar for reflection and writing. 

Mandate time off. We all need time to rest, restore and recharge. In fact, if we don’t spend time replenishing our brain power we are less effective, productive, and more apt to burn out. Consider shutting down the office a couple of times a year for a week [summer or winter break]. And require staff to request, calendar, and take their paid time off before the end of the fiscal year. 

Create Adaptive systems. Change is a constant and organizations that prepare for adaptation are more likely to not double down on busyness behaviors when an event happens that disrupts the system. For example, shifting to provide more support services to staff experiencing a major weather event [wildfires, hurricanes, snow storms]. Creating short-term paid temporary positions to fill staffing gaps or during staff transitions. Stacking priorities during a particularly busy period, for example, pausing on some work projects when a major project needs all-hands “deep work”. 

Modeling. With all things, if you are trying to disrupt some status quo way of being like busyness, it is important that leaders model the way. Positional leaders in an organization should model the change they want to see in the organization. If the CEO never takes vacation then staff will get the signal that rest and restoration are not things the organization values. If the leadership team is constantly running from meeting to meeting, but major problems and opportunities go unaddressed then they’re not modeling what it looks like to make time for the “deep work”. Again, staff will take its cues from what the leaders in the organization prioritize and place value on by walking the talk.

Letting Go of EGO

One of the things I’m really starting to understand through coaching individuals and teams is that the biggest barrier to individual and collective leadership is the ego. Now there are two sides to ego: there is the side of our ego that is all about self-importance and conceit and there is the side of our ego that is about self-esteem and confidence. At first glance, you might think of these two sides of our ego as being positive and negative, but actually both can be blockers to individuals getting in their own way. 

If you are always centering your own self-importance then everything you work to achieve, all of your goals, are individualized and it’s about your success, and your success alone. This means if you are part of a team or organization but only self-centered you are going to find it extremely difficult to set aside your own interests to be a part of a collective effort that is about the good of the team or organization. 

Looking at the other side of our egos, if you lack or have an abundance of self-esteem and confidence then you will be less open and willing to pursue anything that is about your own growth and development. Why, because growth and development requires us admitting we’re not perfect and we don’t have all the answers. Individuals who struggle with their esteem and confidence are loath to have their failures and areas for improvement on display - it’s a vicious cycle of undermining the very confidence they’ve worked so hard to achieve. I know this is particularly true for people of color and women of color - our egos are our protective mechanisms for all of the bias, racism, misogyny we experience on a daily basis. Being vulnerable in a society that already deems you less than is a completely terrifying experience that often doesn’t work out in our best interest. 

So given all of this, how do we work through the constraints of our egos? Here are some suggestions to consider from the team membership perspective and the individual perspective. 

• Identifying goals that serve both team and individual. See if you can articulate how goals that are in the best interest of the collective team also have benefits for your own personal and professional goals. For example, if the team accomplishes a specific team revenue goal what would that additional revenue mean for the body of work you’re responsible for? If you helped to meet that team goal - how can you articulate that contribution in your performance review or on your resume? 

• Understand what strengths and talents you bring towards the team or organization achieving results. Think of these strengths and talents as part of the recipe for success - you bring some ingredients to the recipe, but not all of them. In order to have successful team outcomes every team member is reliant on the others' contributions. When you know and understand this it becomes less about you alone and more about the collective effort. 

• Invite constructive and appreciative feedback and reciprocate. Failure is only a fail if we don’t learn from it. The same is true of success. Inviting feedback will help you articulate what things you’re really strong at [self-confidence] and where you have room for growth [self-improvement and awareness]. 

• Ask for help. If you are struggling with getting in your own way, ask a peer to coach you on your challenge or barrier by asking what, how and when questions to help you surface a non-ego centered perspective. When you ask for help from someone who is at a similar positional level as you, it removes some of the tension around “power over”  that we often experience with a supervisor or someone in a senior leadership role. Additionally, if you peer coach with someone who has a similar identity as you, then you can feel more comfortable not having to explain or be judged by cultural and identity nuances, giving space for a more authentic helping relationship.  

• Be quiet, still and listen. If your ego is at the center of your relationships, you often show up in a stance that says, "I have all of the answers". Or, "I know the only right way". If you’re in a pair or team conversation - don’t jump quickly to respond, just be still and listen and see what surfaces. The likelihood is high that you will open yourself up to a new perspective, learning, or solution and that is a gift the ego can’t give you.

Stuck in your leadership? Be a child!

It’s been a while since I’ve shared something. To be transparent I was having a really hard time tapping into my flow post-holiday. Launching into 2023 felt like a lot of pressure to bring something fresh and new. Then the other day I went for a long walk outside. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. And I felt light in a way that I hadn’t in weeks. It reminded me of what it felt like to be a child. And from that walk came the idea that we could all benefit from tapping into our inner child. 

Tapping into our inner child is that place where we aren’t jaded by all that we’ve observed and experienced as our adult selves. In this child-like place we are not protecting our adult ego and our appetite for learning is insatiable. As children our imagination is unhindered and we can step into possibilities that often get constrained by adult stress and responsibilities. As adults, we can get stuck easily, weighted down by all that is life. Here are some tips to tap into your childlike mind and energy. 

Be overly curious. Ask questions and a lot of them. You know how toddlers ask a continued string of, “But why?” That’s the kind of curiosity I’m talking about. Ask ‘why’ until your curiosity is satiated and then ask some more. Really intentionally put down your preconceived notions and biases about what you think you know and sit down with colleagues and peers and be curious with them. One critical ingredient of curiosity, when you’re having a developmental or relational conversation don’t ask ‘why’ questions - ‘why’ can come off as judgment, e.g., “Why didn’t you do it this way?” But “how” and “what” questions can be generative, .e.g, “What if you tried this? “How did that feel?” On the other hand, “why” questions are perfect if you’re having a strategy or brainstorming conversation. “Why are we doing it this way?” or  “Why can’t we try that?” With curiosity, you’re trying to get to what’s possible so it is okay to unpack the status quo to unearth a different way of thinking. 

Draw it Out. When we are small children we don’t have an extensive vocabulary, but we do have the images in our heads. So grab your Crayola Crayons and get to drawing out the story you want to tell, the vision you have, and that nuanced problem you’re trying to solve. You don’t have to be Rembrandt, stick figures and basic shapes are fine. The goal is to get the ideas out of your head and onto paper so you can make meaning of them and share the images in your head with others. Invite folks to add to your drawing. What ideas get sparked for them? What do they see? By drawing it out and sharing your ideas visually you can get to a more complete picture. 

Go Outside and Play. Remember when you were a child and you had all of this pent-up energy and the adults in your life would say, “Go outside and play!”?  You get outside with your friends and let your imagination take you on all kinds of adventures and experiments. As adults, we also occasionally need to take our energy outside so we can gain a different perspective and let nature and fresh air help us imagine the possibilities. So take a walk or roll. Ride a bike. Get close to water. Or just sit outside in the fresh air and feel the sun and wind on your face. You’ll be surprised how much a change of environment gives you renewed energy and a more expansive view of things. 

Criss Cross Applesauce. My absolutely favorite thing as a young child was rug time. It’s the place we’d sit at the beginning and end of the day and the teacher would ask us a question and we’d just talk it out. I remember even now feeling seen and heard and this eagerness to share what was on my mind with my friends and trusted adults. So what I’m encouraging you to do is literally get on the floor. This is the opposite of the leadership practice of getting on the balcony to survey what’s happening in your organization from a birds-eye view. Getting on the floor is about coming out from behind your desk and computer and sitting with your people. There is something humbling about sitting on the floor or a circle rug and just chatting it up. Maybe it’s humbling because it’s a little harder to get off the floor as an adult. Or maybe it is because it puts everyone on the same level plane where we can see each other eye to eye. There’s no grandstanding on the circle rug. On the floor is a great place to have that debrief conversation about that big change event or project that just completed. Talk about what worked. What didn’t? What did we learn? Or you can use floor time to not have any agenda and be like preschool asking simple questions like Tell me something that made you laugh today? Tell me something you learned today. Tell me something that gave you joy. Tell me something that frustrated you. You get the idea. 

If you try any of these strategies and engage your inner child. Drop me a comment and let me know how it worked out for you. 

It’s time for reflection!

As we head into mid-December and things are starting to progressively slow down, I’m starting to get really focused on shutting down for the year, unwinding, and really easing into a reflective space. I believe that we should all think of the end of December and the beginning of January as a time period where we are regenerating ourselves. I thought I’d share my process for how I engage in self-learning and reflection at the end of the year to set myself up for the possibilities of a new year. 

During most of the year, I’m moving at such a fast clip between caregiving routines and my work practice I spend most of my waking hours in ‘DO’ mode. And in ‘DO’ mode there’s not a lot of extra time to reflect on what I’m learning from what I’ve been DOING in all aspects of my life. At the end of the year is where I really get some spaciousness to think about what I learned - about myself, about my loved ones, about my work and then extract from that learning the things I want to carry forward into a new year. Sometimes that reflective practice yields things I definitely don’t want to repeat. Maybe I tried and tested something out in my consulting work that didn’t go as planned - what did I learn from that?  Or maybe I engaged with one of my children in a way that is counter to how I want to show up as a mom - what did I learn from that? Perhaps something I did on a project was wildly successful - how do I replicate that? Here’s what I do for my reflective practice. I’ll warn you it’s a little analog, but you can certainly duplicate it in any note taking app if you prefer to go digital.  

Get a blank journal or notebook - any blank notebook will do, it doesn’t have to be fancy, but if fancy is what motivates you, go for it! 

In the first three pages of the notebook write at the top of the page the word “ME”. On the next three pages write at the top of the page the words “LOVED ONES” and on the next three pages write at the top “WORK”. 

Starting with your “ME” pages, write down everything you learned about yourself this last year. Some prompts to consider: Did you learn anything about your physical health? Did you learn anything about your mental health? Did you learn a new hobby or some activity that brought you joy? What made you sad? What gave you energy? 

Next, move to the LOVED ONE's pages, and write down everything you learned about the people you care about and care for. What did you fight over? What did you laugh at together? What passionate conversations did you have? What memories did you share? Did you grieve? What about their health and well-being - did anything change? If you have children, what did you learn about their growth and development? 

Lastly, but not the end - move to the WORK pages. Write down everything you can recall from your professional life about what worked well. What didn’t work so well? What was a fail? What was a win? What feedback did you receive - constructive or appreciative? What did you try new - how’d that go? What about your work was energy-giving? What about your work was draining? 

Now that you’ve done a look back reflection we are going to use that information to do a look-forward reflection to set intentions for 2023. For the look forward you’re going to repeat the process of focusing one at a time on ME, LOVED ONES, and WORK. Using what you wrote for your look-back reflection as context in your journal and on new blank pages respond to each of these prompts for ME, LOVED ONES, and WORK. 

Given what I learned, what do I…

• Want to continue or do more of in the New Year? 

• What do I want to stop in the New Year? 

• What do I want to try on in the New Year?

I call this part of reflection setting intention. I don’t believe in resolutions - they are too finite and settled for my taste. But intentions allow for some nimbleness and creativity. Now you could stop here and still be in good space for your intentions. But if you want to take it a step further, and the planner in me always does, you can also write down for yourself, given your intentions, what do you need to put them in motion. What you need could be a range of things from very tactile - “I need 2-3 dedicated hours a week in my schedule to continue my fitness program.” Or it can be things like, “I need to articulate the intention to my partner and get them onboard so I can be held accountable.” I like to take this extra step because I know once the year starts, time is a runaway train. However, if I make a plan ahead of time, it’s more likely that I’ll carve out the time and space to make my intentions happen. 

Keep your reflection notebook somewhere handy (nightstand, desk) so you can check in throughout the year to remind yourself of the progress you’re making. Let me know in the comments if you try this on. Or if you have another variation of reflective practice, please share. I’d love to hear what works for you.

Have a wonderful and reflective New Year!

Maya

Pushing Through Discomfort of Change

Have you ever tried to do something radically different in your personal life and realize just how hard it is? Examples of such changes… going from full-fledged meat eater to vegan. Going from taking a walk a few times a week to running a marathon. Speaking to a team of five to being a keynote speaker to 500. If you’ve ever tried a big change in your life, something you’ve not done before then you know how hard that process can be. I mean if you’re a fully grown adult with decades of practice doing things a particular way and you’ve gotten pretty comfortable in your habits and practices - what you eat, how you exercise or don’t, how you communicate, how you navigate conflict, what you wear, etc. Well, organizations like human beings have practices of operations that unless your organization is a start-up have helped the organization to exist and survived over many years of existing through the practice of doing things - culturally, operationally, and structurally a particular way. Sure there may have been small tweaks to the system here or there, but for the most part, organizations sustain themselves by maintaining the systems and patterns that define them. And just like human beings, when we introduce a new change into the system, we are upsetting the state of comfort. 

Let’s use the analogy of changing from a casual walker a few times a week to running a marathon. You can’t just wake up one day and decide I’m going to go from a leisurely pace walk to running 26 miles. Well, you could but chances are you’d a) not make it the 26 miles and b) have a lot of aches and pains at the end. Instead, you begin that transition from walker to runner by consulting with someone who has experience running a marathon. You develop a training program which could take many months. You upgrade your walking shoes to running shoes. Maybe you change your course from a flat sidewalk to a city-run to get a feel for a marathon route. And likely there is discomfort when you first start running that requires you to stretch some different muscles, muscles you NEVER had to use when you were walking. This is what it looks like to institute significant change in an organization. Particularly if that change is about something the organization has never done or experienced before. There was the practiced and comfortable place that existed before the change and there is the uncomfortable place that exists post the change. It is 100% a shock to the system and the majority of people who experience the change would rather stay in their comfort zone. So how do you get people to shift out of the comfort of a leisurely walk to preparing for the gruel of a marathon? Here are a few tips using our walk-to-marathon analogy. 

1. Survey the Course. Take your time to understand what and who are the barriers and accelerators to the change. Who is prone to injury? Who needs an assist or accommodation? Who is already well-conditioned? Do we have the right equipment [skills, systems, know-how]? Do we need to consult an expert? 

2. Create a Map. Set some parameters for the journey. What’s our timeline? How long will it take to be ready enough? Who are the pace-setters? How will we sustain energy through the process? Do we have alternate routes? What is the reward on the other side of the finish line? 

3. Set the Conditions. What’s the weather like? [Tip: Turn up the heat just enough to get people uncomfortable to move but not so much that they fall out from heat exhaustion] What’s the winning time? [outcomes] and Who judges [decides]?

4. Stretch breaks. Make plenty of time during the transition of change period to reflect on the muscles the organization and team members are building collectively. Talk about what’s working. What’s not? Celebrate the milestones and each mile marker along the route to the finish line. 

To learn more about managing change strategies and leading through the discomfort. Check out our upcoming workshop series, Transformative Leadership Workshop, and Early Bird registration prices through December. 

Distributive Leadership vs. Command & Control Leadership

I have shared before my thinking on inclusion is about sharing power. And I’ve been thinking even more about what sharing power looks like from an organizational culture perspective. This is a particularly acute topic at the moment as I think about what’s happening at Twitter and Metta/Facebook as clear examples of what it looks like when organizations operate with Command and Control Leadership at its most extreme. Let’s look at the difference between what happens in organizations that operate with distributive leadership [shared power] versus organizations that operate with more command and control. 

At a high level, we can think of distributive leadership as cultures that support leadership practices at all levels. Team members operate with a high level of autonomy which allows organizations to be more nimble and adaptive. In command and control cultures organizations follow more hierarchical and positional leadership where team members have very little autonomy and follow strict rules around when, how and by whom decisions are made and who can explore what strategies. Command and control organizations tend to be more rigid and have a hard time getting ahead of what’s happening in their ecosystem in terms of opportunities and barriers. 

In distributive leadership, individuals at all levels of the organization have the ability to make decisions without seeking the direct consent of a supervisor or senior positional leader. Autonomy can look like iterating or experimenting with ideas individually, within teams, or across teams. The key is that the culture authorizes individuals to move without permission. There may be some caveats in decision making like fiscal or human resource impact, but generally, there is the freedom to explore any avenue that is aligned with an organization's purpose and goals. In command and control environments decisions are tightly managed at the top of the organization with very little clarity on where there is flexibility. 

The myth is that in organizations that have distributive leadership it is hard to hold people accountable. The reality is that accountability goes up when team members have more buy-in to the outcomes and when there is transparency and participatory engagement around the organization's purpose and priority goals. For example, when organizations have an inclusive process of creating budgets and team members have insight into how much it costs to do business, the team becomes more intentional about managing spending in their team/department. In distributive leadership, the culture encourages and structures open discussion all across the organization around problems that need to be solved and generating new ideas. Where in command and control it is assumed expertise lies at the top of the organization, distributive leadership expects that expertise is distributed throughout the organization, and therefore new ideas and solutions can come from anywhere. 

Lastly, in order to leverage this idea that solutions and ideas come from anywhere, distributed leadership organizations are vested in the continuous growth and development of their team. They do this by investing in mentorship, training, and sharing knowledge and skill-building for staff at all levels of the organization. Unlike command and control organizations, distributed leadership organizations don’t retain opportunities for professional development, mentoring, and coaching for the c-Suite positional leaders. 

To learn more sign-up for the Transformative Leadership Workshop in February and stay tuned for our practice guide on Distributive Leadership. 

Feedback Or Coaching : When And Why To Use Either Or

Coaching and feedback are two tools used for developing our folks and their leadership. But coaching and feedback are not interchangeable practices. While these practices may both contribute to one's growth and development, they serve really different purposes. So what are the differences and when is it appropriate to use coaching instead of feedback or vice versa? First, let’s talk about what’s different. 

We use feedback to name, for the person receiving the feedback, observable specific behaviors that had an impact, good or bad, on the person(s) observing the behavior or action. Once we provide feedback we are then asking for someone to either continue the behavior or change it. For example, if the feedback is about how a team member contributed to a team project in a way that was collaborative and made the full team feel included you might offer them feedback as appreciation for that behavior and request they continue to show up that way. With coaching, you are holding space for someone to come to their own action and behavior shift to grow, learn, lead, etc. Different from feedback, coaching is often not about specific observable behavior or action but can be about many things related to an opportunity, a challenge, self-exploration, growth or learning area, etc. In coaching, instead of making a specific request about behavior or action, you are supporting the individual to come to their own solutions which may or may not have been something you observed. Now when do we use these two practices differently? 

We use feedback when there is a behavior or action that is specific and we want to make that observation visible to the individual and be proactive in continuing the behavior, in the case of appreciative feedback, or discontinuing or changing the behavior in the case of constructive feedback. Often with feedback, it’s a technical action for which there is a known solution, 1+2=3. With coaching, even though you may be familiar with the individual you are coaching and their areas of strength and growth, the change is something they instigate. There may not be a clear solution or answer for whatever the individual needs coaching around. For example, let’s say an individual is wondering if they should take on a new leadership role in an organization. In that action, they may be weighing multiple factors. Do I have the bandwidth to take on this new role? Do I have the skills needed? Is this something I’m even interested in doing? How does the role contribute to their growth and learning? In this case, if you’re coaching the individual you’re not solving the problem for them but instead asking provocative questions to help them come to their own conclusions. 

For folks of color and disabled people that have often been harmed by deficit-based and dominant culture approaches to professional development and performance management, coaching can be the better approach. For individuals who experience internalized oppression, feedback is often heard as something is wrong or broken about you and that can trigger a defensive response where the person is not able to hear the feedback in a constructive way. Whereas coaching, not to be confused with therapy, allows for self-determination where individuals can unpack for themselves the thing(s) that are getting in their way.

If you want to learn more about giving feedback and coaching and the values of both. Sign up for our Transformative Leadership for Managers Workshop, registration for the February session is open and spots are limited.

Undoing Internalized Racism

About six months ago a young Black woman, who was a former colleague of mine, tweeted that she felt like all DEI and RE offerings always centered on the learning and unlearning of white people. And it struck me because I had over time had similar experiences, where DEI and RE training not only centered the experience on white participants’ comfort and interest but often used people of color as exhibitions for the learning. On display and for the edification of white folks, where all the feelings and trauma of our lives as people of color in a country that continues to oppress and threaten our ability to be safe, healthy, and thrive. And so I made a list of all the ways I could think of creating offerings that would support people of color navigating through a society and systems that continue to uphold ‘whiteness’ as the standard. And here I am with my first offering - a framework for undoing internalized racism. Before you go on…two caveats that I believe will be true for anything that I create: 1) This tool requires the user to intentionally slow down and make effort for self-reflection. You will need to get practiced at assessing your own patterns of internalized racism so that you can take opposing action to those patterns. Press the pause button at least once a day and ask if your behaviors are a manifestation of internalized racism. Make notes for yourself when you notice the behavior and be intentional to practice the reflecting strategy opposite the oppression. 2) As I believe no offering is fixed but should continue to evolve and grow along with us, my first contribution is a good enough effort. It is the beginning of a framework design for undoing internalized racism. I’m sure I’ll tweak and build upon this tool. And if you use it, I welcome your feedback.

Undoing Internalized Framework - Self Reflection Star

Undoing Internalized Racism - A Framework - Mandala Change Group

On the inside of our star are ways in which internalized racism/oppression can show up for people of color. On the reflection side (the darker triangles) are strategies to counteract the internalized racism/oppression.

When we MIRROR we are replicating or reflecting back norms, standards, and behaviors we think are "acceptable" or “normal” in white-dominant cultures or under the gaze of "whiteness" - for example dressing in ways that are considered "professional" MODELING is self-determining our deepest standards and the ways we want to show up - holding ourselves and each other accountable to standards that reflect our cultural values and beliefs. There was a time when I would do anything I could to press and keep straight my naturally curly hair because I was once told that people with curly hair were perceived as flighty, and not taken seriously. Then I saw my young son trying to use water to slick down and make flat his beautiful curly hair and from that day on I wore my hair in its natural state, modeling for my son what it looked like to embrace the features that were part of my racial identity.

When we SABOTAGE we are undermining the leadership of other people of color because internalized racism has taught us to center our own self-interest over collective interest - and question the leadership capacity of folks who look like us. SUPPORT looks like behaving in ways that value solidarity and the upliftment of all people of color while still holding one another accountable, naming hard truths, and giving constructive feedback. Support also means taking care of one another and ourselves by holding the line on personal and professional boundaries and giving ourselves time for rest and reflection.

MISTRUST looks like not trusting ourselves and other people of color's instincts, capabilities, experience, intelligence, etc. Internalized racism conditions us to look for approval and validation of white people and white institutions as the standard-bearer of what is good and ‘perfect’. When we TRUST & BUILD we hold faith in our own and other people of color’s talents, strengths, lived, and professional experience. Believing that we deserve to be heard, seen, and respected. When we build we are investing in the development of ourselves and others - including deepening gifts through skill-building, coaching one another through blindspots, supporting one another's work and businesses with our money and time.

GATEKEEPING is the activity of controlling, usually limiting, access to something or someones. When we gatekeep our own people we judge their worthiness to access based on standards of whiteness. Maybe we are privileged to participate in decision-making meetings or sit at powerful tables but we censor others' access because we don't believe they'll show up in the "right way" or because we believe there is only space for 'one of us’ at the table. LIBERATED GATEKEEPING is the activity of using your power, privilege, and access to give access to others, especially those who have little or no access. This might include creating opportunities and space for emerging or younger leaders of color. [Gatekeeper archetype inspired by the work of People's Institute for Survival and Beyond and Monica Dennis, Racial and Gender Justice Strategist, and Practitioner]

Racism teaches people of color to CONCEAL & SUPPRESS and seek to eliminate aspects of ourselves that are powerful, community-driven, brilliant, creative, and loving. We often censor our thoughts and ideas for the comfort of others or buy into stereotypes that might keep us from showing up as our full selves. For example, I’ve often heard Black women I coach say they don’t speak up when they know they should for fear they will come off as “the angry Black woman.” I encourage them to name that even as they’re speaking up as a way to dispel the myth and set themselves up to be listened to and heard without a filter. When we show up as our AUTHENTIC SELF we tap into our personal power and aspects of identity to bring all of our gifts and talents to bear on opportunities to lead in ways that benefit our health and well-being and that of our beloved community.

When we UPHOLD WHITENESS we are upholding an ideology that is constructed by a set of practices, behaviors, norms, beliefs, standards, and values that are set to reinforce white-skinned people as superior to people of color. When are LIBERATED in our LEADERSHIP, we understand that as people of color we are not the problem, racism is the problem. We move in ways that seek to disrupt and dismantle all systems of oppression and create liberation for ourselves, our people, and all people.

Liberating Power - The Key to Advancing Equity

A few years ago I was facilitating a conversation about equity and power. The premise behind the discussion was that in order to pursue equity, the folks who experience the inequities must be in positions of power to make decisions about the things that matter - resource distribution, policies, practices, etc. I asked the room, What gets in the way of you sharing or relinquishing power? Immediately, a white man said, If I give up my power I’ll be out of a job!  And there it is. That’s it in a nutshell. The reason, I believe, many DREI efforts fail is deeply ingrained in the idea that those in power are protecting their self-interest. The fear of loss of power is greater than the interest in achieving equity. And given that for many, interest in achieving equity is tacit at best, a superficial-branding exercise at worst, we need to address the power dynamics head-on.

The protection of self-interest is a reality for any individual that holds power over — power over another group of people, power over individuals, power over resources, power over information, power over decisions, and choice. If we think of self-interest as needs you only have to remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to understand that protecting one’s self-interest is a basic and psychological human need. We all have the need for safety and security, the need for esteem, and the need for self-actualization. The problem occurs when we start to subscribe to a belief system that says: 1) I’m more deserving of having my needs meet then anyone else 2) there is not enough to go around, so I will hoard all of the things I need even if it means others experience greater disparity and 3) there is no connection between collective interest and self-interest. 

How do we dismantle this belief system?... 

First, we must shift the narrative on who is deserving. It’s a complicated narrative that is often weaponized and fed by racist, nationalist, ableist, sexist, and homophobic ideologies. The rewrite requires us to center humanist ideals, that every human being is deserving of having their needs met while also recognizing that some of us have systematically been denied the fundamental basic needs to live safe and secure. You only have to look at recent events in this country to see the truth of who benefits from protection and who is persistently denied that basic human right.

Second, we emphasize there is more than enough to go around. We live in the wealthiest country in the world. The reality is there is enough food, enough land, enough money, enough employment opportunity -- if we could collectively be satisfied with the things we need and not greed. Our current existence is still one where a very small minority of the population has in excess an exorbitant amount of resources and power. 

Third, the truth has always been that we all collectively benefit by creating solutions for the most disenfranchised. Applying the principles developed by john powell for targeted universalism. Which says, if we target solutions to address inequality experienced by those most impacted, then the collective benefits are felt universally. 

Lastly, think about the places where you personally hold power. Maybe you’re a gate keeper to resources and information. Perhaps you have a role in setting policy - inside your institution or in the public sphere. Examine the places where you have personal power and make a list. Looking at the list, and think about all of the ways you can be more liberated with your power. Are there ways you can share, distribute, or completely relinquish the power so those with less access can activate their own power, voice, and experience?  Ask yourself, how are you using your own positions of power to disrupt the status quo and in service to equity? 

Your DEI Book Club Will Not Save You

After the death of George Floyd, books about race and racism had a resurgence, climbing up the bestseller lists (some for a second time) and selling out at bookstores all across the globe. Booklists of all the “must-have” reads for folks who were awakening to the existence of racism in this country were flying around social media platforms like a quick-fix antidote. As mostly white folks, who were shocked that we weren’t in a post-racial America, scrambled to do something…anything in the midst of racial uprisings.

When the protest dust settled on the newly outraged, they landed in the most passive and safest place possible with organizations everywhere starting DEI book clubs, equity reading groups, flying in their favorite author for a drive-by talk, and then quickly going back to their racism-as-usual practices. The one-off, low-hanging fruit activities gave organizations asleep at the wheel quick cover. Hey, look at us!, said the corporation, We’re awake and doing things.

And here we are. Hundreds of thousands of people have read a book and perhaps they’re more enlightened about the difference between diversity and anti-racism, but collectively we are nowhere closer to undoing institutionalized racism than we were post Trayvon Martin, post-Michael Brown, post-Sandra Bland, post-Breonna Taylor…., post……post…… post…

The thing we must reconcile is this, there is no room for safe, conflict-avoidant, passive-aggressive behavior in the undoing and dismantling of racism. To actually do diversity, equity, and inclusion, to actually address racism in our institutions, you have to be willing to do hard, challenging, scary WORK. You have to be willing to give up some things — namely power. Sitting around a fire, navel-gazing and waxing on about your revelation that white privilege is an actual thing that this country has fought to protect serves no one. Not even the people it privileges.

And hiring diverse talent — yes it’s a starting point. But unfortunately, for many organizations diversifying the talent pool is the start and the end of their efforts. Meanwhile, we never get to the root of the problem that led to the majority all-white male institution in the first place. Your now beautifully diverse organization still holds racial bias in its performance, professional development, and promotion processes. Staff of color still experience daily microaggressions and sometimes overt racism causing them to continue to feel unsafe bringing their whole-selves, including their strength and talents to bear on the organization. People in positions of power still largely reflect and operationalize the status quo. And so the churn continues.

Organizations that really want to commit to transform their institutions to be diverse, racially equitable, and inclusive must put in real effort. Let’s put down the lukewarm lattes, the dog-eared books about white fragility, and the hollow statements about your commitment to racial equity. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Here’s a starter list of where you can begin this labor effort:

1. Establish an internal team responsible for driving organizational transformation and outcomes. And by the team, I do not mean the one person of color in your organization who now holds the DEI title in addition to their other job. I mean a fully resourced staff team with decision making power and authority.

2. Discover and dig in on what the realities are for staff of color in your organization. Talk to all of them — new staff, old staff, former staff of color at all levels of the organization. You will need to get underneath the interpersonal, professional, and personal to solve for the institutional.

3. Laser focus your solutions on those experiencing the greatest inequity and harm. If you have Black women in your organization I can 99.9% guarantee you will need to center their experience in your DREI strategies.

4. Contract an outside accountability partner. Even if you have a Vice President of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion with a full staff department, none of those individuals will be in a position to name hard truths without consequence. Hire someone outside of the organization to hold the organization accountable — pay them in advance so they have the freedom to call it like they see it and push on the system as needed to move real change.

Just these four steps are enough to get an organization out of stuck to strategy. But as with all things as deeply entrenched as racism, this is a journey, not a sprint. Organizations have to be committed to the continuous and ongoing effort of interrogating their practices, culture, and policies and then undoing and dismantling the things that create harm and do not serve true equity and inclusion.